Good evening from Rome. 

My feet smell like Italy. 
... a mixture of cigarette smoke and pasta.... 

                 We take the train to Siena tomorrow...

And I cannot find the apostrophe button on this keyboard...
I just had to google apostrophe to find out how to spell it...

The Sistine Chapel is phenomenal.  So is St. Peter(insert apostrophe here)s church...  Did you know that the Vatican is a separate country from Italy??  It is the smallest  country in the world...

We saw the Colosseum yesterday...  there is a cross about 12ft tall at the main entrance to the arena... brought tears to my eyes, seeing the Cross casting its shadow over the doorway so many men walked through on their way to die...  thinking how He completely conquered Death... 

......

its impossible to not fall deeper in love....

             good Lord, i'm crooked deep down.  everyone is crooked deep down...              --derek webb

it's finals week. 
and my pumpkin spice candle is burning on the kitchen table next to the 3boxes of pizza saved up for exams.
makes for a strange mix of odors when you consider the kittybox lives under the table...  ewwwww.

"there's a separate stomach for desserts, Joanna."
 yeah, well they all go to the same thighs....

countdown to Jesus' birthday - - - - 15 days!!!  

my best friend is getting married to the man of her dreams. part of me cries at night when I think about it. 
but most of me is so excited I can hardly contain myself.    t h i n k i n g . . .

about not living with her anymore...
being a college graduate.  cleaning my own house.
about being pregnant. 
about raising my family on the mission field with my husband....

katie's mom says "when it's right, it'll really be right".
she's right.

 For the first time in my life, I'm not scared at all.  he feels like home...
                                           ...it's amazing.  to be driven by love and not by fear of any kind....

                                                                                                2exams down and 3 more to go.

                                                                                                                                       You are so good to me...

oatmeal cream pies are my favorite bedtime snack.

and i have a tattoo.

i'm sitting here with copeland repeatingandrepeating the same song over and over.  looking at my lilly on top of my wooden vodka box with all my Bibles in it.  (no, i didn't drink the vodka.  it's just perfect-journal-size.)  and i think my plant has lost its will to live.  it has turned partially yellow and the tips of the leaves are droopy and brown...  whhhhhyyyyyyy...

spent the day being absolutely unproductive except for cleaning my room and doing about a million loads of laundry.  ... not really it was only 6.  (we have the mini washer/dryer combo. i don't have that many clothes..)  i love college.  and this ghetto apartment... 

melanie and i have decided not to cut the heat on until we cannot bear it.  ...so it's been heatless in the apt fo the last 2 weeks : : mostly spurred on by the outrageous power bill that surfaced last month... and it's WONDERFUL living on the top floor where the heat seeps in from the people below us... oh, if they only knew how much i love them and their heat when i'm shivering/dreading getting out of bed for my 8ams...   people in 201, I LOVE YOU.  i should take them some oatmeal pies...

i was thinking today how fun it will be to get married and get a house with a yard.  maybe i'll plant flowers in front by the mailbox... i just hope they don't decide to die...   and i have determined during this stressful semester that i will always be a kid.  that i'll always laugh and be thankful out loud to Jesus in the car.  and occasionally sing k-ci and jojo at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down.   even when i'm 90 and i have long gray hair...

i'm learning patience.       a g a i n .    i'm not sure if He ever stopped teaching me... 

i j ust know that (s)he    warms my heart
               and knows what all my imperfections are... 

                                                     ...what do You have planned for me...     ?    
                                                                                                                             ..{{ p a t i e n c e.,  jo }}

I just read a letter from Ethiopia...
        "First of all, I would like to give thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ for you're interested to help my son.  His name is Abate... 
conclusion:::   i need to get stamps.

things that have left me speechless this week:
            my patient... his aged fingers clasped around mine, whispering "I've never had friends like you..."  
            his weathered voice singing old hymns with me during his bedbath...   his tears...
            sharing the dirty, tender depths of my heart with someone new... and being called beautiful....
            being held...

"You see, Joanna?  it isn't your heart for missions- it's Mine.  I put it in You.  I put it in him too.  be encouraged.   and  b o l d."
  -- - - -

                             como sobrevivir...

i woke up last night at 4am ravenously thirsty and scared out of my mind... everything dizzy- drunk-like feeling and... overwhelming, burning fear ... like i was boiling from the inside out.  stumbled to the kitchen for a glass full of ice water... nothing quenched it.  laid on my bed and cried... i'm still crying.

melanie and i annointed our apartment and called to Him... 
 
                AND I BIND YOU, SATAN.        WITH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB, I BIND YOU.

                                                                              i am a daughter of the King and He delights in me...
                                     and you have NO power.  whatsoever.   I AM HIS. 

i feel so broken.  hollow, almost.  amazed at the evil power that seemed to flood the apartment in a wave of unbearable heat.  the power that pulled my roommate and me out of deep sleep to trembling fear at the same time last night.  hungry.  for Him.   You, You... You.  Jesus I want You.   sing over us, please.  i'm scared, Daddy... and i know that You're not a God of fear... 

                                                                           remind me....

Last night I dreamed that all of the saved by the bell characters were getting married.      ???    It was the "college years" show though.  Not the one with Mr. Belding.  Screech was marrying Alex. haha! (if you know who I'm talking about, you rock my face.)    oooh yeah! to the homeschooled geeks like me!!

church tonight was about Josiah and not being a prisoner of your past.  what a thing to put into practice.
really believing that He does make all things new... and forgets the past.   2cor.5:17.     refreshingly crazy.
 
                                                                                                                     ///   and I love You...

went for a quiet midnight walk tonight.  sat by the pool and relived heavy memories and conversations from that spot.  wandered around the cemetery down the street by the old stone church.  thinking.  enjoying being lonely. 
came back to find flowers and a  note on the doorstep...   so   w o n d e r f u l .  feeling loved.

"someday, joanna.  someday it won't suck to be a hopeless romantic"
- - - a wonderful friend in response to last-week-heartache that's still lingering...


painted my room a nice coffee+toomuchcreamer color.  makes me feel warm when i walk in.  still smells like paint, so I left the window open for a few days.  Decided I really like the house across the street with the kids that still play outside.  Saturday swordfighting and playing hide-and-go-seek and basketball sounds happily floated in and mixed with the smell of the painted-newness.

I'm so looking forward to falling in love for the last time.    
and friends that call me joanna make me miss home...

                                                                  ...don't let my heart desire anything You don't desire for me...
                                                                                    p l e a s e .

The milk expires today. 
It's been exactly a year since the accident, almost down to the hour.
I have a test in the morning.   and i can walk to it.   amazing.

Sometimes He has to scream to bring us back.  
that's what He did with me.  A year ago today.
and I'm so glad that I fell down that waterfall. 
                                                                  body and heart-healing simultaneously.
                                                                                                                                             use me.

started my first IV on wednesday.  first try.  !!!!!!!!!!!!   ran down the hallway and hugged the janitor.    e  x  c  i  t  e  m  e  n  t !

you know, I never could process pig latin : : something I'd like to change before I die.
that, and learn how to hit a golf ball straight.        oh.      you have NO idea.

i talked so long in weird accents the other night that for a minute i forgot what my real voice was like.
and i think that's what it's like being deep in His heart. agressively forgetting the old. just from constantly being made new. 

Saw 3 shooting stars lying on Kite Hill listening to someone (unknowingly) speak my heart.  Jaw-dropping similar views and passions about missions and things He's been revealing to us recently.  Realizing that it isn't my heart for missions, and it's not my perspective- it's His.  Him- grafting His heart in and taking over.  How it doesnt' matter what I do with my life-  I don't even care anymore.  no plans... just whatever makes Him smile- that's what I want to spend my life doing.  Oh, so refreshing to know someone else longs for the same thing...  it was the most un-lonely night i can remember.   I don't think my heart has stopped racing since...


                                                                                       "draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord... to Thy precious, bleeding Side..."

ex-nay on the pink-ay.
 
i'm really more of a blue-kind-of-gal.    feelin hungry for a camping trip.
crisp, October nights make stars and crackely fires seem more magical. 
 
EXCITING NOTE!!!    I AM GOING TO ITALY OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....                                                                my.   goodness.

my soul feels bold today.
 
i sing loudly when i think no one's listening.  mostly exciting broadway tunes.
wondering what He has up His sleeve for the day.
 
"since when do people know what they really want?"  -  bruce almighty
 
sat on the floor of the Duncan gas station off 123 with a gallon of milk in my hand and cried.
good intentions aren't sufficient.  neither are my plans.
 
"He is full of agressive peace." - Naeem
 
burdens have purpose.  and joy.
 
 my feet are still dancing.
   sweet, burdened dance.                                                                       italy..... ????    HOLY COW!!

I dont' think I'll ever get tired of milk.  Wonderful, sweet, milky taste of  2%.  There is none other.

Mel and I de-tick-and flea-ified our cats and apartment yesterday.  Left the windows open and fled the cloudy flea-death
trap and stood on the front porch for a while soaking up sunshine with the plants.   Very free-feeling. 

Watched Fivel Goes West with a good friend and remembered what it was like to be 5 and how magical Disney movies are.

And this big blue cup full of milk is amazing...

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Always have.  Used to hate that, but now...     hmmm.      re-evaluating.   
been feeling tenderized a lot lately.   Torn open and scored. and salt rubbed in hard.    c o n v i c t i o n.       
Like I'm finally letting Him grow me up.   joyandpain so sweetly intertwined.

and He spoke straight through me yesterday.  His Words burning right from His heart through my mouth.   we both cried. 
Just being in awe of Him.  I think He was teary-eyed too.  

The loaves and fish story.
       " There are many responsibilities God will give to His disciples- serving, distributing, gathering but
                          God never delegated the task of breaking or blessing the bread.   Never.
                   so you can know whenever you're being blessed or broken-  you're in the Hands of the Master. "

                                                                                                                               ......

well they do.

so i was laying in bed being sick today (ps. i'm always more dramatic when i'm not feeling well)   listening to my kitten snore, downloading way too many mushy songs for my own good... bank account and time management both suffering...   when something just... rushed over... over all of me...

          and my heart feels alive again... not that it was dead before, but... it's just excited again.  MORE than excited. 
                                        passionate.  overflowing.    ready.  to love self-lessly.  and be loved.  without reservation.  without fears.  
                                                                                    reminding me that i'm  redeemed. 

           filling me up.  making me want to serve... and use the gifts He's given me.   to encourage...     
                       to put forth the effort He desires and definitely deserves from me. 
                                                        because all i am is an empty shell filled only with breath from His lips....   redeemed.

                   listening to songs that make my heart ache for what He has planned for me...
                                        
                                                                 tears coming out from joy laughs.

                                  soaking in the hope of promises and sweet moments He has waiting for  me.  
                                                                                                                                          beautiful   h o p e.

good morning september.


                              i feel so weird these days.                                                   WHY?     i don't know.
 
but that's not true.  i do know why.
 
because i've been praying that God will change me.

and then i let myself act old- normal. constant civil war inside.  rejecting the very answer for which i've been desperately seeking.  when new-normal is impatiently waiting.  even thought i'm not sure exactly what that looks like yet.
just that it's more like Him. 

purging of old-self and friendship and hoped-for expectations... feels like a chapter in a very comfortable book being slammed shut.
abruptly.  
reminding me that sometimes i don't know what i'm praying for.  and how much more beautiful it will be... eventually. 
sometimes i wish i could open my eyes in the morning with future goggles on.  just for a second. 
so i could see how He really is going to weave the dark threads to make the tapestry more breathtaking. 

because sometimes you have to let dreams wither.

                                                                                                                  sweet dreams, august.